Month 1- Almost a Disaster

Month 1 of this new challenge iteration has passed. I can't honestly say that I've accomplished anything for these challenges. In fact, the only thing I really had going for me was my Duolingo streak, but I let that crash and burn. But, on the other hand, there have been a lot of accomplishments that will inevitably make my life better.

1. I switched off of medication that has been making my liver not function properly for ages. 

2. I found a medication which actually helps me sleep through the night without nightmares.

3. We went to Washington to visit friends and family. It was by far the longest road trip I have ever been on and it made me really push out my comfort zone.

4. Made huge steps in cleaning the house. 

5. I dressed up for Halloween. Wore big glam makeup and a petticoat and the whole shebang. I haven't been able to wear makeup in months. 

Tomorrow is a brand new day, new week, new month. There's not really a better time to get things off the ground. So today, I'm going to have a big talk with my SO and really nail down what I'm going to do and what I'll need. My therapist had her input on Friday. Maybe I'll just start with a few small tasks everyday. Maybe I'll keep going with what I already have. I don't know! 

The exciting thing is that I get to try again, try something new, and try to learn something every day. 

Day 1

 Ok. Here we go.

Today is a take stock kind of day. A look to the past so we can work to the future kind of day. A day to say "It's not hard to start, because you've already started."

Part of why I think my previous attempts at this haven't worked is that I get stuck focusing on product instead of process. I put my achievements down as quantifiable numbers versus qualitative improvements. I think using both metrics will be key moving forward. I'm going to keep the work I've already done, recognize it, and get motivation from it.

So far, using the progress I made in September only, I've:
1. Logged 66 days straight in Italian on Duolingo (Granted this started before September, but I'm proud of that consistency, so I'm keeping it.)
2. Finished the first unit in "Basic Italian"
3. Completed a class for my last semester of my education degree. Only 4 to go!
4. Started the little workshops offered on the Headspace app
5. Drank some delicious teas
6. Watched some movies (but only logged some)
7. Played some board games (and remembered to log all of them)
8. Learned some new technical stuff about playing the piano that I probably should have learned ages ago
9. Did some reading
10. Made a fat folder of check-off sheets for this challenge. 

Those achievements are (mostly) quantified here: 
Language: 31/240* Schoolwork: 16/360* Strength: 3/360* Cardio: 0/240 Mental Health: 11/240 Tarot:0/120 Piano:25/120 Movies:4/240 Board Games:6/120 Art:0/120 Reading:6/120* Tech:0/120

This list is from my last Twitter post trying to hold myself accountable and already it is easy to see how it doesn't quite reflect what I'm doing. Honestly though, I really like the emoji list I made and I want to keep that around, because I'm a child and I like the pretty pictures. So now the question becomes- how do we adapt this for the new system? 

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Since there is about six months between now and my birthday, and my little planning sheets came with 40 spaces per sheet, each subject has a base requirement of finishing 160 things, whatever those may be. That gives me some wiggle room for holidays and emergencies and breaks, but not enough to get too lazy. From here on out, I think my weekly posts are going to look something like this:

How I Did Last Week: 
(* means progress)

🦉  Duolingo Italian: 66/200
🇮🇹  Italian bookwork: 8/200
➗👩‍🔬 Math and Science: 0/160
👩‍🏫  Schoolwork: 16/480
(includes work for WGU to be completed by December, UNH grad work, and NAFC certification)
💪  Strength Training: 0/480
(includes Stretching, Physical Therapy, and Arms Conditioning)
🏃‍♀️ Cardio: 0/320
(includes Darebee Fitness, Fitness video games, and Elliptical time)
🧘‍♀️🍵  Mental Health: 11/320
(includes Headspace, meditation, and drinking delicious teas)
🔮 Tarot: 0/160
🎹 Piano: 25/160
📽 Movies: 4/320
(both watching new movies and catching up on Letterboxd reviews)
🃏 Board Games: 6/160
💿 Records and New Music: 0/160
📚 Reading: 6/160
🎨 Art:0/160
🤔 Logic: 0/160

What Happened Last Week:

1. I slept a lot! 
2. I didn't do much work!
3. I had an existential crisis which has led me to start this blog. 

Goals for this New Week: 

1. Daily Duolingo
2. Finish Unit 2 in "Basic Italian"
3. Make my meetings with all of my WGU professors
4. Take 3 WGU tests
5. Finish 1 WGU paper
6. Start studying physics again
7. Start refresher course for pre-calculus
8. Stretching every day
9. Physical Therapy exercises every day
10. Arm strength building every day
11. Darebee Fitness regimine every day
12. Do something Cardio healthy every day
13. Listen to a new Headspace workshop every day, or at least meditate
14. Slow down and try some new tea
15. Keep practicing the piano
16. Watch spooky movies! Or big screen worthy movies!
17. Play more games!
18. Read enough to keep up with the book club and my students.
19. Find some new music
20. Complete some logic puzzles.
    

Maybe I should be more specific? Less specific? I don't know! We'll figure this out! See y'all next week. Wish me luck.

Restart

In May of 2021, I started a challenge set out by my therapist- do 5 things, everyday, for 100 days. 

I couldn't do it. 

We changed it up. Do 100 things in 100 days across 5 different focuses.

I couldn't do it.

Ok. Fine. What if you post about it online everyday to hold yourself accountable? 

I couldn't fucking do it. 

I have tried and tried and tried again, and my brain just can't handle being consistent. That was the whole point of this experiment- to become more consistent- and I'm more or less proving the point that I need serious intervention. Life gets in the way, of course, but given the opportunity to lay on the couch and stare blankly into the abyss or to spend 5 minutes on Duolingo... give me that abyss, baby. 

Yes, I'm depressed. At the very least, that is one thing that I am viciously consistent about.

But all said and done, I do want to get better. I want a routine. I want to feel capable of FINISHING something, anything, I start. I don't think I've had a feeling of accomplishment like that since elementary school. Whether that is my loathsome brain lying to me or the undeniable truth, I have to change. I have to get better. 

This blog, therefore, is my last ditch effort to fulfill some version of the challenge originally set by my therapist. I have six months (ish) until I turn 31. And those six months are going to be radically important to my life, challenge or no. I could finally finish my Bachelor's. I could start grad school. I have a chance of getting my medical issues under control before possibly losing my good insurance. I could be recruited by the CIA for a super secret mission- who's to say? 

Whatever comes to pass, these six months are crucial. So, here's my new challenge: JUST DO SOMETHING.

Life gets in the way, so expecting to do something every day, especially when I get sick on the regular, is unrealistic. But I can commit to doing a number of things by a deadline. 

In trying to stay accountable online, it quickly became an exercise in shame. If I couldn't meet my daily goal, my anxiety ramped up and I ended up not posting. The anxiety made me sick to my stomach and a whole vicious cycle began. I need to remember that I'm doing this for me, not for the adulation of others. Keeping a record, perhaps a slightly more private one, so I can see where I've been and where I can go... maybe that will make a difference. The challenge will no longer become remembering to post everyday, but to take a weekly snapshot. 

The attempts of this challenge thus far have run up against becoming a numbers game. I was focused too much on meeting a ratio, than actually understanding why I wasn't meeting goals or why I was doing any of this to begin with. I think a blog will make this consideration a little easier. If LiveJournal taught us anything, it's that writing to an invisible audience makes it much easier to expose your soul and 133tsp34k needs to stay in the dark annals of internet history 43V3R. 

So here we go. Six-ish months until March 25. Six months to find some direction in this life. Six months to achieve something. No starting over from this point on. I have to finish.