Restart

In May of 2021, I started a challenge set out by my therapist- do 5 things, everyday, for 100 days. 

I couldn't do it. 

We changed it up. Do 100 things in 100 days across 5 different focuses.

I couldn't do it.

Ok. Fine. What if you post about it online everyday to hold yourself accountable? 

I couldn't fucking do it. 

I have tried and tried and tried again, and my brain just can't handle being consistent. That was the whole point of this experiment- to become more consistent- and I'm more or less proving the point that I need serious intervention. Life gets in the way, of course, but given the opportunity to lay on the couch and stare blankly into the abyss or to spend 5 minutes on Duolingo... give me that abyss, baby. 

Yes, I'm depressed. At the very least, that is one thing that I am viciously consistent about.

But all said and done, I do want to get better. I want a routine. I want to feel capable of FINISHING something, anything, I start. I don't think I've had a feeling of accomplishment like that since elementary school. Whether that is my loathsome brain lying to me or the undeniable truth, I have to change. I have to get better. 

This blog, therefore, is my last ditch effort to fulfill some version of the challenge originally set by my therapist. I have six months (ish) until I turn 31. And those six months are going to be radically important to my life, challenge or no. I could finally finish my Bachelor's. I could start grad school. I have a chance of getting my medical issues under control before possibly losing my good insurance. I could be recruited by the CIA for a super secret mission- who's to say? 

Whatever comes to pass, these six months are crucial. So, here's my new challenge: JUST DO SOMETHING.

Life gets in the way, so expecting to do something every day, especially when I get sick on the regular, is unrealistic. But I can commit to doing a number of things by a deadline. 

In trying to stay accountable online, it quickly became an exercise in shame. If I couldn't meet my daily goal, my anxiety ramped up and I ended up not posting. The anxiety made me sick to my stomach and a whole vicious cycle began. I need to remember that I'm doing this for me, not for the adulation of others. Keeping a record, perhaps a slightly more private one, so I can see where I've been and where I can go... maybe that will make a difference. The challenge will no longer become remembering to post everyday, but to take a weekly snapshot. 

The attempts of this challenge thus far have run up against becoming a numbers game. I was focused too much on meeting a ratio, than actually understanding why I wasn't meeting goals or why I was doing any of this to begin with. I think a blog will make this consideration a little easier. If LiveJournal taught us anything, it's that writing to an invisible audience makes it much easier to expose your soul and 133tsp34k needs to stay in the dark annals of internet history 43V3R. 

So here we go. Six-ish months until March 25. Six months to find some direction in this life. Six months to achieve something. No starting over from this point on. I have to finish.